Suicide, Soapboxes, and Sweets
My friend Brenda called me to let me know a high school friend of mine (Christine) had killed herself. In jail. With a telephone cord and a sock. Yeah, I know. I can't figure out what she used the sock for either...
She has kids...had. Hell, she had grandkids. Why would she go to jail to sit out traffic tickets then off herself? Why be stuck in a holding cell when she could be getting high one last time in the comfort of her home before she offed herself. Sudden attack of deadly malaise? Who knows.
I'm not sure I believe she killed herself. When we were teenagers, James went to Hico TX to party with friends. One of the guys got arrested, and was hung in his cell by the next morning. He would have been out in two days. NO reason to kill himself. James swears the Hico police killed him.
There is a part of me that thinks Christine got shanked. The creepy thing about this is the people who have died from my graduating year have killed themselves. One person died in a car crash. Everyone else: Killed themselves. Says a lot for where I grew up when living past forty is just not an option for some people. It was dark place and a dark time. I'm surprised I've done so well in this world.
It shook me. When I went to my reunion a year and a half ago, I friended her on FB. She took forever to reply. I found out she was in jail (Brenda again). We lost contact in high school when she dropped out to chase cock. She was definitely a dicks before chicks girl. She'd abandon her friends in a hot minute for some guy. She met her true love(ie abusive prick) and acted like a fucking Moonie every time I saw her. She spoke in monosyllables and blew off any invitation to go hang out. I gave up on her. I guess she finally gave up on herself.
I'm assuming it is a phase of life that I've gotten old enough to hear about classmates dying. Kind of lets me know that my age group's life expectancy has reached the top of it's bellweather, now people are going to start decaying and falling apart. Except it's not cancer or heart failure that is killing them. It's THEM killing them! WTF? Is crazy catching?
I've always been dead set against suicide. Scott rails against people who have done it. He calls them selfish cowards. Ignoring compassion or empathy for my fellow humans; I do agree with him. It is a final solution for temporary problems, and it hurts those left behind. Depression is the inverse of narcissism and is just as self focused and selfish. That is why helping others helps the batshit crazy in you.
BUT that is not why I never offed myself no matter how desperate things got. I never killed myself, because what if when you end it yourself, you get STUCK? In that day, in that moment...Forever. The worst day in your worst moment when you feel the worst...FOREVER.
The great thing about life. Things change. Tomorrow is always a different day. You can make it the same as the day before for yourself, sit in a rut like a toddler in a dirty diaper, but it is a different day. The best thing about being an adult is it is all about choices. You choose your life, where you live, who you sleep with, who you marry, if you have kids, all of it. Even not making a choice is choosing. When you are a child you have to wear what your given, eat what you are fed, live where you are told to live. As an adult, it's your choice. Sure you can tell yourself this is your lot in life, the cards you were dealt, etc. But you are lying to yourself.
Enough of my pontificating. I'm married to the sweetest guy ever. I got home Thursday to find a box of chocolate covered cherries and a note from my sweet hubby. The next day I got two dozen roses. It's been awhile since I had a classic V Day. We'll have been married 10 years this September 13. A whole bloody decade. Can you believe that? Girls ask me all the time how did I know Scott was the one? Well, truthfully...How do you know the man you married is your soulmate? When you want to stab him: you don't.
She has kids...had. Hell, she had grandkids. Why would she go to jail to sit out traffic tickets then off herself? Why be stuck in a holding cell when she could be getting high one last time in the comfort of her home before she offed herself. Sudden attack of deadly malaise? Who knows.
I'm not sure I believe she killed herself. When we were teenagers, James went to Hico TX to party with friends. One of the guys got arrested, and was hung in his cell by the next morning. He would have been out in two days. NO reason to kill himself. James swears the Hico police killed him.
There is a part of me that thinks Christine got shanked. The creepy thing about this is the people who have died from my graduating year have killed themselves. One person died in a car crash. Everyone else: Killed themselves. Says a lot for where I grew up when living past forty is just not an option for some people. It was dark place and a dark time. I'm surprised I've done so well in this world.
It shook me. When I went to my reunion a year and a half ago, I friended her on FB. She took forever to reply. I found out she was in jail (Brenda again). We lost contact in high school when she dropped out to chase cock. She was definitely a dicks before chicks girl. She'd abandon her friends in a hot minute for some guy. She met her true love(ie abusive prick) and acted like a fucking Moonie every time I saw her. She spoke in monosyllables and blew off any invitation to go hang out. I gave up on her. I guess she finally gave up on herself.
I'm assuming it is a phase of life that I've gotten old enough to hear about classmates dying. Kind of lets me know that my age group's life expectancy has reached the top of it's bellweather, now people are going to start decaying and falling apart. Except it's not cancer or heart failure that is killing them. It's THEM killing them! WTF? Is crazy catching?
I've always been dead set against suicide. Scott rails against people who have done it. He calls them selfish cowards. Ignoring compassion or empathy for my fellow humans; I do agree with him. It is a final solution for temporary problems, and it hurts those left behind. Depression is the inverse of narcissism and is just as self focused and selfish. That is why helping others helps the batshit crazy in you.
BUT that is not why I never offed myself no matter how desperate things got. I never killed myself, because what if when you end it yourself, you get STUCK? In that day, in that moment...Forever. The worst day in your worst moment when you feel the worst...FOREVER.
The great thing about life. Things change. Tomorrow is always a different day. You can make it the same as the day before for yourself, sit in a rut like a toddler in a dirty diaper, but it is a different day. The best thing about being an adult is it is all about choices. You choose your life, where you live, who you sleep with, who you marry, if you have kids, all of it. Even not making a choice is choosing. When you are a child you have to wear what your given, eat what you are fed, live where you are told to live. As an adult, it's your choice. Sure you can tell yourself this is your lot in life, the cards you were dealt, etc. But you are lying to yourself.
Enough of my pontificating. I'm married to the sweetest guy ever. I got home Thursday to find a box of chocolate covered cherries and a note from my sweet hubby. The next day I got two dozen roses. It's been awhile since I had a classic V Day. We'll have been married 10 years this September 13. A whole bloody decade. Can you believe that? Girls ask me all the time how did I know Scott was the one? Well, truthfully...How do you know the man you married is your soulmate? When you want to stab him: you don't.
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