Enough, there will never be enough, I will never be enough
I had a vision Monday morning when I was lying on my bed. I was doing my yoga breathing to stop the cramps in my diaphragm. The last two times I jumped rope in the morning my abdomen started cramping during my 20 minute run after. I'm cramping on the right side so I know it isn't a heart attack. Anyway, while I'm breathing, I can feel my heart fluttering. I remember my mom having panic attacks at this age, and her monthly cycle becoming hemorrhaging instead of bleeding. I'm reaching that stage where stuff is going to start going haywire or just dropping the fuck off. Yikes. Well, I keep breathing and calming myself. Then I hear something in my head. "Not Enough".
The panic attack I was staving off was about not enough. I really sat with thought and tried to see how deeply part of me the statement was. Down to the fucking bone, apparently. If you cut me in half, 'not enough' would be printed on every ring. I have felt this way before. I have trouble budgeting for bills and taxes. Massage is like a lot of businesses that deal with public, I have busy times I can depend on somewhat, slow times to save for, but most days it's feast or famine. Either I have hardly anything booked or I've got 4 12 hour days in a row. I've had an entire day of work cancel over a period of 24 hours, I've also had a day with one massage book up with 5 more massages in 4 hours. I can never tell, but I'm always ready and hoping.
Never Enough. Never enough food, never enough booze or sex or drugs to make the fear go away. What fear? That I'm not enough. That I will never be enough. I look at myself naked in the mirror and run my hands over my rippled and stretched skin and know in my heart that there will be never enough exercise to heal my skin, that surgery is too extreme for me to even want to attempt it. I know that even if I was perfect physically, I wouldn't feel comfortable in my skin.
Scott occasionally makes jokes about me with another man.(dating a secret lover, meeting some young punk, etc) I think he's seeing my facial expression to make sure there's no guilt, only laughter. I try to tell him he is beyond safe with that. Even if I wasn't with Scott, I don't think I'd be comfortable with anyone seeing me naked other than him or my doctor. (not that I've had a pap smear in 6 years, since I got my tubes tied during my gastric bypass) So, I guess, honestly just him. I have really sad floppy skin under my clothes. The body underneath the skin is a fucking powerhouse. I'm a total hourglass shape and muscled beautifully. I'm a thoroughbred in a loose coat, basically.
But that is not the point of this revelation. This revelation is about my deepest fear. I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR THIS! I am not enough to fill this life I have chosen. I won't be fast enough. I won't be smart enough. I won't be pretty enough. I won't build enough, say enough, write enough, heal enough, give enough. I will in some way forget to not self-destruct on this high speed fling I've been calling my life, and, well kids, the wheels will spin off, and I will be a bouncing ball of flame down some lonely desert highway, like James Dean.
I held that thought pretty tightly for a bit, rolled it around in my head. Then I answered my fears. I am enough. At any time, any hour of the day, I am not found wanting. Money appears, work happens, tickets are free, there happens to be a 50% off special today...WHATEVER it is, it will be enough, and I refuse to walk in fear any more. I am training for my life, I got my sleeves rolled... Bring it.
I am ready...
The panic attack I was staving off was about not enough. I really sat with thought and tried to see how deeply part of me the statement was. Down to the fucking bone, apparently. If you cut me in half, 'not enough' would be printed on every ring. I have felt this way before. I have trouble budgeting for bills and taxes. Massage is like a lot of businesses that deal with public, I have busy times I can depend on somewhat, slow times to save for, but most days it's feast or famine. Either I have hardly anything booked or I've got 4 12 hour days in a row. I've had an entire day of work cancel over a period of 24 hours, I've also had a day with one massage book up with 5 more massages in 4 hours. I can never tell, but I'm always ready and hoping.
Never Enough. Never enough food, never enough booze or sex or drugs to make the fear go away. What fear? That I'm not enough. That I will never be enough. I look at myself naked in the mirror and run my hands over my rippled and stretched skin and know in my heart that there will be never enough exercise to heal my skin, that surgery is too extreme for me to even want to attempt it. I know that even if I was perfect physically, I wouldn't feel comfortable in my skin.
Scott occasionally makes jokes about me with another man.(dating a secret lover, meeting some young punk, etc) I think he's seeing my facial expression to make sure there's no guilt, only laughter. I try to tell him he is beyond safe with that. Even if I wasn't with Scott, I don't think I'd be comfortable with anyone seeing me naked other than him or my doctor. (not that I've had a pap smear in 6 years, since I got my tubes tied during my gastric bypass) So, I guess, honestly just him. I have really sad floppy skin under my clothes. The body underneath the skin is a fucking powerhouse. I'm a total hourglass shape and muscled beautifully. I'm a thoroughbred in a loose coat, basically.
But that is not the point of this revelation. This revelation is about my deepest fear. I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR THIS! I am not enough to fill this life I have chosen. I won't be fast enough. I won't be smart enough. I won't be pretty enough. I won't build enough, say enough, write enough, heal enough, give enough. I will in some way forget to not self-destruct on this high speed fling I've been calling my life, and, well kids, the wheels will spin off, and I will be a bouncing ball of flame down some lonely desert highway, like James Dean.
I held that thought pretty tightly for a bit, rolled it around in my head. Then I answered my fears. I am enough. At any time, any hour of the day, I am not found wanting. Money appears, work happens, tickets are free, there happens to be a 50% off special today...WHATEVER it is, it will be enough, and I refuse to walk in fear any more. I am training for my life, I got my sleeves rolled... Bring it.
I am ready...
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