Quiet Eda is not to be feared...Promise;)

When I came back from Vegas, I was so relaxed. Everyone kept asking what was wrong. Nothing. Nothing is wrong. I’m spent. I’ve been going full blast since 2003 when I went back to school. I worked full time and went to school full time. I finished school then had gastric bypass in 2006. I realized I did not want to stop massaging to go into the journalism field. People were getting fired all around me as journalism itself was gutted, revamped, and rehashed on the internet. I started my own business in 2007, and began that long journey. I’ve been banging the drum ever since. My inner dialogue became “Go, go, go!”

God, how intense have I been, if me being mellow is weird for the people who know me? Apparently, I’ve been going in 5^th gear for the past decade. I just applied the brakes and came to a full stop. I’ve been blowing past my life at the speed of sound. Oh, don’t think I’ve deprived myself for a moment. Please.

I have said yes to everything I could shoehorn into my schedule. Classes, camping trips, hikes, kayaking, dinners, business events…if the invitation is shiny I’m there. But for the moment in my head, I’m sitting in the middle of the highway with my engine idling. I’m fine with that. I’m taking a breath, taking a moment to scan the landscape. I am acknowledging I’m exhausted. Played out. I have pushed until I thought something was gonna pop. But I’m not out of the game. I’m just dusting myself off and getting my bearings.

I did an energy healing yesterday with Maylei, my awesome friend who is a tenured professor at UCLA. (Yes, you should be impressed!) She has been performing energy healings for years. She is now morphing into teaching it. I had never done it before her, but I totally trusted her. This was my fourth session yesterday, and each time my body feels different. She said my rib cage was twisted and my hips were cramped up. We decided to address the overwhelming anxiety I’ve been getting bouts of. For awhile, my mom had panic attacks that woke her up at nights around this age.

I was wondering if the cocktail of hormones and mental hang-ups (OCD) were genetic and that was why I would get heart pounding anxiety getting ready for work, leaving for workout, etc.. I also have had trouble since our bikes got stolen. After the first time I was a little sketchy, but I could handle it. But after they stole the rest of the bikes out of the backyard WHILE WE WERE HOME IN BED WITH THE TV ON, I have been freaked the fuck out. It’s hard to leave the house. I check to make sure everything is locked. WE don’t have anything worth stealing, but it would still suck to be ransacked.

Well, during the session, I realized how hard I had been pushing myself, how much I wanted to be a responsible adult with my bills paid, and how hard I’d been working at not regressing into food being my outlet for stress. I’m fighting my addictive nature with everything I have. I’m not just talking drugs or ciggies, I mean everything—books, tv shows, series of anything, rosemary oil chips, dog walks, workout. I mean I get fixated easily on things. It scares me.

I also had a vision of me while I lay there. Maylei had her hand under my neck and her other hand on my stomach while I breathed. It felt like I was floating in a river, it felt like a baptism. I was crying while I was breathing. Behind my eyes, I saw myself as child. About six, I think. My little white haired self, dressed in a light blue cotton sundress, the cheap 70s ones with white flowers. I was wearing a tri-corn pirate’s hat, and a black mask with gold cord around the edges. I/she was grinning her little gap tooth grin. She held her mask up to her face and giggled. I knew she is my audience. She is who I write for. My little adventurer. My little girl lost. In my head, I held her in my lap with my arms looped around her. I whispered, “I’m sorry people were creepy and weird to you.”

She shrugged and leaned into me. We clutched each other like monkeys huddling in a rainstorm. I held my little self and told her she was brave and amazing. In my mind I held her, and Maylei cradled me in the psychic river I was floating on. I had a thought crystallize in my mind.

“I am not wrong, neither am I right. I AM. And that is enough.”

I cannot tell you completely what that means to me or what it may mean to you, but it brought me great comfort. I had to write this today so I would not forget her. My little Pippi Longstocking, my adventurer, my writer that dreams of flying on magic wings, of outsmarting the dragon, and being the first up the mountain. She is alive, and I am delirious with relief. I hid her so well I thought I had lost her.

If I seem quiet or withdrawn, please don’t worry. I am thinking. I am plotting and planning. I am not lost. I am found. All is well. That is all.