Commit

-
I was wigging out recently about tough mudder. I can't even run a full mile yet. I almost killled myself walking everywhere in Catalina. How the hell am I going to survive 10-12 miles of hell? I was really chewing on my fear. Then I heard a voice in my head tell me

"Bullshit, Eda. Commit. That is all you have to do. You grew up in some of the most sun-blasted dangerous backwoods in the world. You can walk anything. Commit is all you have to do. Commit to finishing."

I remember hearing that in my head a few years ago when I went with my friends Pete and Josh to Joshua Tree. I was doing things that scared nine kinds of shit out of me. I still hadn't fully grasped all the physical changes I had undergone since my surgery. I didn't know how to use the body I now had. Josh walked me through a lot of things pulling me along, yelling at me when he needed. We went bouldering together. Pete kept catting up different rocks, leaping and climbing, Josh lagged behind to pull me along. We got to a 65 degree angled gravel scree. There were dried cacti and sharp rocks all over it. I balked. I wanted to angle it and go up in a z shape. Josh screamed at me from the top.

"Bullshit Eda! COMMIT! Run straight up it. You hesitate, you'll eat shit the whole way down on your face. You zig-zag you'll fall. I guarantee it. Commit, and you can do it."

I remember wanting to cry. He wanted me to do something I knew in my heart of hearts I couldn't do.

I had failed before I even tried and I knew it, and I felt like utter useless shit.

I took a deep breath, and ran straight up that fucker. I didn't stop. I dug my toes into the ground, leaned forward, and plowed ahead until I felt Josh grab my upper arms to pull me onto the flat rocks at the top. I was shivering. The entire time I was screaming in my head, "I'm gonna DIEEEEEEEEEEE!"

I feel that way a lot when I'm trying new things. I have to stuff down all that fear and doubt and power through it. Thank god I'm willing to look like an asshole to learn new things. It has been a real asset.


Comments

  1. JanfromRenoJuly 3, 2012 at 11:46 AM

    Josh is so awesome, he loves you so much and sees your potential! You are so strong, brave and full of heart. You are my idol!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Compound

-
Image
Much like the Summer of Love, the 80s LA punk scene, Britain in the Swinging 60s, or any other seminal moment in time, if you weren't around for The Compound from 2004-2016- YOU DON'T KNOW! You can't. It was magical. Sometimes a group of people find each other and a family is formed. That was what happened to me and my husband Scott in 2004 when we moved into the front house on Coronado Ave. There was a mother-in-law house behind us with it's own backyard, and a small apartment above the double garage at the end of the driveway. Pete and Josh lived in the MIL house, and a supremely grumpy guy named Johnny English lived in the apartment. P & J were cautiously friendly for a bit then warmed up to us when we all realized we were total dog people. Johnny would scowl every time he saw us. It took the supreme flirting skills of our 20 pound cat Liam to finally break him. We found out he was a custom guitar builder for Fender guitars. I took to calling him ...
Read more

My Grandmother Eda Died Today

-
I saw the text in the Whole Foods Lane 5. I was running in to buy a lemon to slice and put in my client's water. I had grabbed a piece of pizza, cold coffee, tonic water, and a scone for lunch and snacks. I was coming in hot from Irvine where I'd done a 90 minute massage, scrub, and scalp treatment on a favorite client of mine. I started late because I helped her put her Christmas stuff up in the attic. 15 minutes tops. Then she added a scalp treatment so it became 2 1/2 hours, and there went my cushion to get my ass to the spa. No biggie, just glad I always add time to my appointments. I'm in Whole Foods with a headful of nonsense I need to take care of. I pull my phone out of my purse. It's on silent, but I can feel it buzzing. I'm not sure if the phone was set to buzz, or I just sensed the shitstorm of texts in my purse. "Mom passed away midday today. I love you. I am so glad she is out of pain." At first I thought it was MY mom, and I almost fain...
Read more

Forbidden Dreams

-
Image
Scott said the most amazing thing to me yesterday. We were watching TV and a Mutual of Omaha ad came on while I was out of the room. He took the time to call me back into the room, rewind the commercial and have me watch it. It was a woman, who once weighed 400lbs, describing how it felt to cross the finish line of a 600 mile race she had dreamed about completing. Her friend who did the race with her started weeping at the finish line, and she asked her why. The woman replied, "You did it. You fulfilled your dream!" Scott paused the TV, turned to me and said, "That's you, baby. You're going to finish American Ninja Warrior. You have done every single thing you say you are going to do, no matter how out there. You are going to press that red button. I hope you take a moment when you do to realize how far you've come, and who you really are." Pic one: Summer 2006 Me one week after surgery. 360lbs What can I say? I started crying. I was still in my workout...
Read more