This week in Eda news
7/13/17
Making chicken and dumplings for Scott. He didn't get the job, and was never called for an interview. He feels defeated. I told him he had until Monday to be bummed then it's back on the horse. I'm bummed too. I really wanted this for him, and me. The benefits would have been great for us. He needs the security of a job. Not having one so long has destroyed his confidence in his abilities, despite all the letters from students, and compliments from parents. He's a good teacher. He's dedicated, the kids like him, he gets along with his co-workers. It's just hard out there to get work.
Two people canceled last night. I was hitting my weekly numbers until that happened. I'm too tired from jujitsu to be stressed over it. Mission accomplished, I guess? Summer is slow. I'm okay for now. I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do.
I keep reading Cracked.com and I'm trying to summon the courage to try to write for them again. I logged onto their site for submissions. My first few ideas were shot down, and I didn't get the format right. I slinked away. Besides, life got in the way for a bit. I think I am coming to a place I'm ready to try again.
7/14/17
I may have found an awesome subject for a Cracked article. One of my longtime clients attended a conference on drones. Apparently there all kinds of unanswered questions on the legalities and dangers of drones. She said she'd guide me on who to speak with about all the crazy subjects that came up.
I've started bringing my lunch to work. I've been bleeding cash for years, and I'm trying to staunch the flow. Scott not getting that job is one of the things I'm going to have to handle, money wise. Time to figure out how to squeeze blood from this stone. As long as I get organized, I can handle this.
I haven't drank any alcohol for 3+ weeks. I'm impressed. I've had a few meh moments of wanting to, but nothing to claw my eyes out over. I'm trying to focus on positive changes right now. Every day I'm trying to do a few things to help foster along my long term plans.
I'm am ridiculous sore. I had a blinding headache on right side of my face for the rest of the day. i went to do my massages at 4 pm and I wanted to cry my face hurt so much. I know it was my neck from doing falls and somersaults in jujitsu.
I did a little yoga today during my long ass break. I had a 10 am then a three hour break until my last two. I'm using the time to clean my room, I brought my lunch, got my lashes dyed, did some laundry, called City of LB then health dept to change my mailing address for city, and diddled around with email and this blog.
My client is on her way. I wish I had more time to work on my book, but I think I have to run in a circle like a dog until I can settle down and write. And it sucks that I run right up until I have barely any time left. I have an idea how I want to handle the next part of editing my book. I changed the flow of my book to fit the narrative that Scott and I discussed in Barcelona. I'm up to a sticky bit, and not only do I have to stick to one rat's POV, I have to add menacing scenes and comments of another character that Scott feels I dropped into the story without adequate menace. I reluctantly agreed, but only because he was right. In some arrogant way, I had the belief that foreshadowing was patronizing and an insult to the audiences' intelligence. Scot convinced me it was a pillar of "show; don't tell".
*le sigh*
I feel better. I'm glad I'm writing these footnotes to my life. It's easier to have no expectations. I'm just emptying my brain's dustpan, before trying to write. I can also edit and re-read my stuff. It has helped me realize I'm really an optimist, I get things done, I plan on three levels, (short, middle, long range), that I'm addressing all three regularly, and that DAMMIT! I'm always swinging away.
I may feel foolish, but feeling foolish never killed nobody.
I'm embracing. I'm trying, and I am enduring.
7/15/17
John Lennon said Time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted.
Or something like that.
Today feels like a wasted day.
I did get things done. I made a checklist of things and I got done what I could. I assembled some articles and a list for my drone article. I should be getting more info on Monday. I hope I can get an article published. It would be nice to get my feet wet again. I think journalism is making a comeback out of necessity. Maybe I'll be part of the upswell. Making a transition into writing in my golden years is part of my life plan. I want to retire from massage at 50, and have enough writing jobs to sustain me. Maybe even run my massage business with paying a few therapists commission. I can't decide if it is worth the effort or distraction.
I also took care of my Junior League obligations. The co-chair died last Friday, leaving a big hole in the group. She was an awesome person, and I am sad she is gone. I have a feeling the surviving co-chair is going to need to lean on my harder than she planned. I'll get an idea on Monday we we meet with the committee. I plan on being front and center. I had hoped to learn from Karen on how to lead in the coming year. Before my turn to lead. I guess I'll have to learn from her absence by taking on more responsibilities.
I am taking my iron, but still feel exhausted. I'm supposed to have periods with this IUD, but these past few days certainly feel like one. I am still sore from Jujitsu. I'm proud I survived class. We line up in two lines and the teacher will yell out a moving exercise then yell:
GO!
I'm thinking, 'Fuck! I can't do that!'
The people ahead of me just keep going, and then it's my turn.
I go. Carrying all my fat girl shame, and last girl shame. Struggling, occasionally flopping, but still going. I had a headache for two days after this class.
I went today for a Thai massage, and chiro appointment. After I got back, I hopped on the laptop. I managed to get half my to do list done, then I just wandered off. So hard to focus.
I did have a great idea for a book driving home yesterday. For years I've toyed with the idea of a superhero. A woman. She's called The Reckoning. She hunts sex offenders. Usual tortured hero stuff. But it is written from the husband's point of view, who keeps finding inconsistencies in wife's stories. I might include a homeless camp under an overpass in Florida that I once read about. The homeless camp is filled with sex offenders and their families.
I saw a news report on it. They were sympathetic for the residents. It's hard for registered sex offenders to find homes or jobs. This is one of the places they end up, often with their families, including young children. There had been a few murders, and the cops were not making any headway. A lot of people thought it was because of who was being murdered. I found it intriguing.
I was conflicted watching it. I felt terrible for the families, but I had a hard time being sympathetic for the offenders. But the question was if we gave them no way to survive, why didn't we just kill them. One of the interviewees said this, and I had to take a step back from myself and really contemplate this.
What are they supposed to do?
Why are we keeping them around if they can't contribute any way?
THIS IS A HORRIBLE LINE OF THOUGHT, BUT IT'S A REAL QUESTION.
From an emotionless standpoint, I cannot endorse the wholesale murder of citizens because of their crimes. It's a slippery slope. Punishable by death can become fascist genocide at the drop of a guillotine.
But back to my story. In the story-fuck those guys. I'm thinking the couple travels occasionally and the husband starts to put together the murders by their travel dates.
Who knows?
I'll throw it on top of my "to be written" pile.
7/19/17
Fuck. I can't believe it's Wednesday.
I kept planning on writing and got derailed by life. I just woke up. I'm still a bit groggy, but here we are. It's today. It's been a solid month since I quit drinking. I've started dreaming about alcohol. Not Disney style where pink elephants dance around, but it's in my dream.There was a party around a group of white clapboard houses. Old duplexes like the one I stayed in during college. Like usual, I didn't know anyone and they all knew me. At one point, I was looking through an outdoor fridge, and grabbed a beer. I popped it open and downed it. It tasted like water. I threw it aside, and grabbed a Modelo. Someone took my arm and started pulling me away to talk. I tried to open the beer and drink as we walked away, and I dropped it. Dream continued. Just a weird interlude, but it showed me the honeymoon phase of "hey! I quit drinking" is over. Now I've moved into the "oh yeah, I'm not drinking" phase of it.
Monday was hard. I went to the JLLB meeting. There was a bottle of chardonnay in an ice bucket dripping with crystalline water drops, looking like an old Coke commercial. At least half the ladies had glasses of wine. I had water, along with about three other women. We had a good meeting. I did my best to be front and center in the conversation. Guess who gets to take the minutes? We had a moment of silence for Karen. We all got a little teary eyed.
I went to her celebration of life the next morning. I got through about an hour. It was outside and super crowded. I wanted a drink bad. My mouth had that acidic feeling, the same I get when I'm jonesing for food. I know what that is now. I'm anxious. I want to dull my feelings.
Not going to happen.
I left the event, grabbed lunch and went home. I knew I wouldn't drink around Scott because it would upset him. He doesn't really drink, and he knows why I've quit. I'm determined to sit with myself and just experience what is going on. The fear of being uncomfortable is greater than the actual experience. I know this. I can't stop the feeling of wanting to get away, it is too deeply ingrained in my psyche, but I can face it again and again, until it callouses me to its effects. That is the only thing I can figure out to do. I still need to find a therapist to work on my anxiety with me.
I wish I felt better. I wish I wasn't so tired and sore all the time. I keep believing that not drinking is going to make me feel better. Any second now...
7/20/2017
Stayed up until 1:30 am last night. Didn't brush my teeth, drank a diet Dr Pepper and ate beef jerky while watching The Strain on HULU. Just like my 20s when I was delivering pizza on the late shift, and living on a bare mattress in a filthy apartment.I decided before I went to sleep I was skipping jujitsu because I was still wonky in my hips from the Rolfing I got, and I probably was going to sleep in.
Woke up multiple times in the night. got out of bed about 7:30 am. My mouth felt like a shower mat in a gym, just bleh. I got up, fed the pets and picked up the house. I had time to walk the dog before jujitsu. I'm so glad I went.
When I used to do workout 3-4 times a week, I would debate going right up until I put on my shoes. Since I wear flip flops to jujitsu the debate is much shorter now. I show up with a smile even though inside I feel like I'm going to suck at it. Today we did side falls with our arm bar exercises. I hadn't done side falls yet. The other two women I was practicing with offered to let me skip it. I refused and said just let me take a few breaths before I do it to handle the fear. They were cool with that. And we did the fall together, multiple times. I threw myself into it. They were so understanding and didn't make me feel weird at all. Just another reason I love the people I do the class with. I don't feel shame at being new at it. I have to deal with my own thoughts, and they give me the space to do it.
Yesterday, I was in a weird place. I went to the grocery store, got stressed out, and had mini panic attack. I had to control my breathing and not wig out. My mom and aunt got panic attacks around this age. Could be genetics, hormones, familial patterns-who knows? I managed my breathing and my racing mind. I've always been really visual. The inner workings of my brain I always saw as movies in my head. I saw an older version of me breaking into my childhood bedroom and grabbing the flailing child version of me in a bear hug. I rocked myself back and forth whispering, "It's okay, we are okay, breathe, breathe."
In my mind, I held myself until the crazy stopped. Outside, I stood beside my cart staring at the lock screen on my phone like I was looking up a recipe or something. It really rattled me. This wasn;t a response that had any basis in reality, it was a ghost of PTSD trying to derail me. My monkey mind trapped on a forgotten track to a dark place.
It frightens me that those feelings are still there and just as vivid as the day I felt them. It's something I guard against. My bogeyman, shifting shadows that are as ephemeral as they are frightening.
Well, I stopped writing for a bit to hop in the pool. Float in the sunshine for a bit, clear my head. I feel much better. Got a little color on my hide, and a little space in my brain. Came inside and put away stuff, made lunch, and resting on my bed blogging.
I have my Drone pitch pulled up. I'm going to polish it a bit and pitch it out there. I looked up drones on Cracked. The previous articles barely mention them, or took a completely different look at them. Wish me luck!
Making chicken and dumplings for Scott. He didn't get the job, and was never called for an interview. He feels defeated. I told him he had until Monday to be bummed then it's back on the horse. I'm bummed too. I really wanted this for him, and me. The benefits would have been great for us. He needs the security of a job. Not having one so long has destroyed his confidence in his abilities, despite all the letters from students, and compliments from parents. He's a good teacher. He's dedicated, the kids like him, he gets along with his co-workers. It's just hard out there to get work.
Two people canceled last night. I was hitting my weekly numbers until that happened. I'm too tired from jujitsu to be stressed over it. Mission accomplished, I guess? Summer is slow. I'm okay for now. I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do.
I keep reading Cracked.com and I'm trying to summon the courage to try to write for them again. I logged onto their site for submissions. My first few ideas were shot down, and I didn't get the format right. I slinked away. Besides, life got in the way for a bit. I think I am coming to a place I'm ready to try again.
7/14/17
I may have found an awesome subject for a Cracked article. One of my longtime clients attended a conference on drones. Apparently there all kinds of unanswered questions on the legalities and dangers of drones. She said she'd guide me on who to speak with about all the crazy subjects that came up.
I've started bringing my lunch to work. I've been bleeding cash for years, and I'm trying to staunch the flow. Scott not getting that job is one of the things I'm going to have to handle, money wise. Time to figure out how to squeeze blood from this stone. As long as I get organized, I can handle this.
I haven't drank any alcohol for 3+ weeks. I'm impressed. I've had a few meh moments of wanting to, but nothing to claw my eyes out over. I'm trying to focus on positive changes right now. Every day I'm trying to do a few things to help foster along my long term plans.
I'm am ridiculous sore. I had a blinding headache on right side of my face for the rest of the day. i went to do my massages at 4 pm and I wanted to cry my face hurt so much. I know it was my neck from doing falls and somersaults in jujitsu.
I did a little yoga today during my long ass break. I had a 10 am then a three hour break until my last two. I'm using the time to clean my room, I brought my lunch, got my lashes dyed, did some laundry, called City of LB then health dept to change my mailing address for city, and diddled around with email and this blog.
My client is on her way. I wish I had more time to work on my book, but I think I have to run in a circle like a dog until I can settle down and write. And it sucks that I run right up until I have barely any time left. I have an idea how I want to handle the next part of editing my book. I changed the flow of my book to fit the narrative that Scott and I discussed in Barcelona. I'm up to a sticky bit, and not only do I have to stick to one rat's POV, I have to add menacing scenes and comments of another character that Scott feels I dropped into the story without adequate menace. I reluctantly agreed, but only because he was right. In some arrogant way, I had the belief that foreshadowing was patronizing and an insult to the audiences' intelligence. Scot convinced me it was a pillar of "show; don't tell".
*le sigh*
I feel better. I'm glad I'm writing these footnotes to my life. It's easier to have no expectations. I'm just emptying my brain's dustpan, before trying to write. I can also edit and re-read my stuff. It has helped me realize I'm really an optimist, I get things done, I plan on three levels, (short, middle, long range), that I'm addressing all three regularly, and that DAMMIT! I'm always swinging away.
I may feel foolish, but feeling foolish never killed nobody.
I'm embracing. I'm trying, and I am enduring.
7/15/17
John Lennon said Time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted.
Or something like that.
Today feels like a wasted day.
I did get things done. I made a checklist of things and I got done what I could. I assembled some articles and a list for my drone article. I should be getting more info on Monday. I hope I can get an article published. It would be nice to get my feet wet again. I think journalism is making a comeback out of necessity. Maybe I'll be part of the upswell. Making a transition into writing in my golden years is part of my life plan. I want to retire from massage at 50, and have enough writing jobs to sustain me. Maybe even run my massage business with paying a few therapists commission. I can't decide if it is worth the effort or distraction.
I also took care of my Junior League obligations. The co-chair died last Friday, leaving a big hole in the group. She was an awesome person, and I am sad she is gone. I have a feeling the surviving co-chair is going to need to lean on my harder than she planned. I'll get an idea on Monday we we meet with the committee. I plan on being front and center. I had hoped to learn from Karen on how to lead in the coming year. Before my turn to lead. I guess I'll have to learn from her absence by taking on more responsibilities.
I am taking my iron, but still feel exhausted. I'm supposed to have periods with this IUD, but these past few days certainly feel like one. I am still sore from Jujitsu. I'm proud I survived class. We line up in two lines and the teacher will yell out a moving exercise then yell:
GO!
I'm thinking, 'Fuck! I can't do that!'
The people ahead of me just keep going, and then it's my turn.
I go. Carrying all my fat girl shame, and last girl shame. Struggling, occasionally flopping, but still going. I had a headache for two days after this class.
I went today for a Thai massage, and chiro appointment. After I got back, I hopped on the laptop. I managed to get half my to do list done, then I just wandered off. So hard to focus.
I did have a great idea for a book driving home yesterday. For years I've toyed with the idea of a superhero. A woman. She's called The Reckoning. She hunts sex offenders. Usual tortured hero stuff. But it is written from the husband's point of view, who keeps finding inconsistencies in wife's stories. I might include a homeless camp under an overpass in Florida that I once read about. The homeless camp is filled with sex offenders and their families.
I saw a news report on it. They were sympathetic for the residents. It's hard for registered sex offenders to find homes or jobs. This is one of the places they end up, often with their families, including young children. There had been a few murders, and the cops were not making any headway. A lot of people thought it was because of who was being murdered. I found it intriguing.
I was conflicted watching it. I felt terrible for the families, but I had a hard time being sympathetic for the offenders. But the question was if we gave them no way to survive, why didn't we just kill them. One of the interviewees said this, and I had to take a step back from myself and really contemplate this.
What are they supposed to do?
Why are we keeping them around if they can't contribute any way?
THIS IS A HORRIBLE LINE OF THOUGHT, BUT IT'S A REAL QUESTION.
From an emotionless standpoint, I cannot endorse the wholesale murder of citizens because of their crimes. It's a slippery slope. Punishable by death can become fascist genocide at the drop of a guillotine.
But back to my story. In the story-fuck those guys. I'm thinking the couple travels occasionally and the husband starts to put together the murders by their travel dates.
Who knows?
I'll throw it on top of my "to be written" pile.
7/19/17
Fuck. I can't believe it's Wednesday.
I kept planning on writing and got derailed by life. I just woke up. I'm still a bit groggy, but here we are. It's today. It's been a solid month since I quit drinking. I've started dreaming about alcohol. Not Disney style where pink elephants dance around, but it's in my dream.There was a party around a group of white clapboard houses. Old duplexes like the one I stayed in during college. Like usual, I didn't know anyone and they all knew me. At one point, I was looking through an outdoor fridge, and grabbed a beer. I popped it open and downed it. It tasted like water. I threw it aside, and grabbed a Modelo. Someone took my arm and started pulling me away to talk. I tried to open the beer and drink as we walked away, and I dropped it. Dream continued. Just a weird interlude, but it showed me the honeymoon phase of "hey! I quit drinking" is over. Now I've moved into the "oh yeah, I'm not drinking" phase of it.
Monday was hard. I went to the JLLB meeting. There was a bottle of chardonnay in an ice bucket dripping with crystalline water drops, looking like an old Coke commercial. At least half the ladies had glasses of wine. I had water, along with about three other women. We had a good meeting. I did my best to be front and center in the conversation. Guess who gets to take the minutes? We had a moment of silence for Karen. We all got a little teary eyed.
I went to her celebration of life the next morning. I got through about an hour. It was outside and super crowded. I wanted a drink bad. My mouth had that acidic feeling, the same I get when I'm jonesing for food. I know what that is now. I'm anxious. I want to dull my feelings.
Not going to happen.
I left the event, grabbed lunch and went home. I knew I wouldn't drink around Scott because it would upset him. He doesn't really drink, and he knows why I've quit. I'm determined to sit with myself and just experience what is going on. The fear of being uncomfortable is greater than the actual experience. I know this. I can't stop the feeling of wanting to get away, it is too deeply ingrained in my psyche, but I can face it again and again, until it callouses me to its effects. That is the only thing I can figure out to do. I still need to find a therapist to work on my anxiety with me.
I wish I felt better. I wish I wasn't so tired and sore all the time. I keep believing that not drinking is going to make me feel better. Any second now...
7/20/2017
Stayed up until 1:30 am last night. Didn't brush my teeth, drank a diet Dr Pepper and ate beef jerky while watching The Strain on HULU. Just like my 20s when I was delivering pizza on the late shift, and living on a bare mattress in a filthy apartment.I decided before I went to sleep I was skipping jujitsu because I was still wonky in my hips from the Rolfing I got, and I probably was going to sleep in.
Woke up multiple times in the night. got out of bed about 7:30 am. My mouth felt like a shower mat in a gym, just bleh. I got up, fed the pets and picked up the house. I had time to walk the dog before jujitsu. I'm so glad I went.
When I used to do workout 3-4 times a week, I would debate going right up until I put on my shoes. Since I wear flip flops to jujitsu the debate is much shorter now. I show up with a smile even though inside I feel like I'm going to suck at it. Today we did side falls with our arm bar exercises. I hadn't done side falls yet. The other two women I was practicing with offered to let me skip it. I refused and said just let me take a few breaths before I do it to handle the fear. They were cool with that. And we did the fall together, multiple times. I threw myself into it. They were so understanding and didn't make me feel weird at all. Just another reason I love the people I do the class with. I don't feel shame at being new at it. I have to deal with my own thoughts, and they give me the space to do it.
Yesterday, I was in a weird place. I went to the grocery store, got stressed out, and had mini panic attack. I had to control my breathing and not wig out. My mom and aunt got panic attacks around this age. Could be genetics, hormones, familial patterns-who knows? I managed my breathing and my racing mind. I've always been really visual. The inner workings of my brain I always saw as movies in my head. I saw an older version of me breaking into my childhood bedroom and grabbing the flailing child version of me in a bear hug. I rocked myself back and forth whispering, "It's okay, we are okay, breathe, breathe."
In my mind, I held myself until the crazy stopped. Outside, I stood beside my cart staring at the lock screen on my phone like I was looking up a recipe or something. It really rattled me. This wasn;t a response that had any basis in reality, it was a ghost of PTSD trying to derail me. My monkey mind trapped on a forgotten track to a dark place.
It frightens me that those feelings are still there and just as vivid as the day I felt them. It's something I guard against. My bogeyman, shifting shadows that are as ephemeral as they are frightening.
Well, I stopped writing for a bit to hop in the pool. Float in the sunshine for a bit, clear my head. I feel much better. Got a little color on my hide, and a little space in my brain. Came inside and put away stuff, made lunch, and resting on my bed blogging.
I have my Drone pitch pulled up. I'm going to polish it a bit and pitch it out there. I looked up drones on Cracked. The previous articles barely mention them, or took a completely different look at them. Wish me luck!
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