Descent into the underworld
I keep crying.
I was making my grandmother's broccoli cheese casserole about a week ago. I add green chili powder to the recipe. I noticed I was almost out. We bought that in Santa Fe, when we went to visit grandmother and Floyd in 2005. Suddenly, my eyes filled with tears. I stopped and really acknowledged that I was sad she had died. She had faded for years, so I had really lost her years ago. I still felt melancholy she was gone. That was the beginning of it.
I keep crying.
Unexpected moments I well up. Nothing really sets me off. I'm tired. Sunday I caught my heel on a booth and tripped. I was getting up to leave the sushi joint next door to my work. I was with a client/friend. We had dinner and wine. I was tired from work. I've been tired a lot. I'm wondering how my iron is doing. My blood work was good.
But I've been tired.
I hit my head. Hard. I have a striped scar behind my ear where I smacked the metal bench next to me. I was so embarrassed. I don't think I'll go back. I. Just. Can't.
Well, I've skipped workout this week. I'm resting. I booked out at work Tuesday after 2pm, and cleared Friday. I want to be home. I want to rest. We've been binge watching game of thrones. I got weepy. Scott was like 'what's up with you?'
I told him I felt like I was shutting down from all the emotional stress. I'm burnt out. I've worked since I was 13 years old. I'm tired. I've been keeping shit together for years. I'm over it. My doctor told me my ovaries are fatigued. I have hormonal issues, and sexually I'm just dead inside. It kind of bums me out. I used to be a horn dog. Now, nothing turns me on. Poor Scott. I feel bad about it. It's not him, it's me. Nothing sounds sexy. All I see are the power dynamics of sex, and it pisses me off.
I'm not sure I want it back. It's like being sober for first time in decades. I don't give a fuck if males find me attractive. I don't care if I'm the ugliest, fattest, or oldest. Not only am I not competing, I'm not even standing on the fucking board. it's nice. I watch other people do their little psycho 'fuck me' dance. I am staggered by their stupidity, and self-destructive sex lives. I remember being that asshole. It's nice to drop the ball on that one.
I'm spending these next three days recouping. I can't convince myself to do anything other than relaxing.
I was making my grandmother's broccoli cheese casserole about a week ago. I add green chili powder to the recipe. I noticed I was almost out. We bought that in Santa Fe, when we went to visit grandmother and Floyd in 2005. Suddenly, my eyes filled with tears. I stopped and really acknowledged that I was sad she had died. She had faded for years, so I had really lost her years ago. I still felt melancholy she was gone. That was the beginning of it.
I keep crying.
Unexpected moments I well up. Nothing really sets me off. I'm tired. Sunday I caught my heel on a booth and tripped. I was getting up to leave the sushi joint next door to my work. I was with a client/friend. We had dinner and wine. I was tired from work. I've been tired a lot. I'm wondering how my iron is doing. My blood work was good.
But I've been tired.
I hit my head. Hard. I have a striped scar behind my ear where I smacked the metal bench next to me. I was so embarrassed. I don't think I'll go back. I. Just. Can't.
Well, I've skipped workout this week. I'm resting. I booked out at work Tuesday after 2pm, and cleared Friday. I want to be home. I want to rest. We've been binge watching game of thrones. I got weepy. Scott was like 'what's up with you?'
I told him I felt like I was shutting down from all the emotional stress. I'm burnt out. I've worked since I was 13 years old. I'm tired. I've been keeping shit together for years. I'm over it. My doctor told me my ovaries are fatigued. I have hormonal issues, and sexually I'm just dead inside. It kind of bums me out. I used to be a horn dog. Now, nothing turns me on. Poor Scott. I feel bad about it. It's not him, it's me. Nothing sounds sexy. All I see are the power dynamics of sex, and it pisses me off.
I'm not sure I want it back. It's like being sober for first time in decades. I don't give a fuck if males find me attractive. I don't care if I'm the ugliest, fattest, or oldest. Not only am I not competing, I'm not even standing on the fucking board. it's nice. I watch other people do their little psycho 'fuck me' dance. I am staggered by their stupidity, and self-destructive sex lives. I remember being that asshole. It's nice to drop the ball on that one.
I'm spending these next three days recouping. I can't convince myself to do anything other than relaxing.
What is it? The moon? I know, when the storm came in I wanted to call mom to make sure she knew it was coming. Feeling the same thing.
ReplyDeleteIt IS all the stress. You need to take a vacay. And let it all go. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Man I thought with all our yoga and meditation we were dealing with it. Maybe you need to go back to yoga. I love you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.
ReplyDeleteIt's as if you are writing from inside my head and heart.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo!!