It's Thursday, Right?

Ok. It’s 4pm and I’m sitting down to write. I’m actually okay with that.

Things I’ve done today:

Watched 2 episodes of Jessica Jones

Went to workout

Walked dog

Washed dishes

Made last blue apron meal from last week

Ate it

Cleaned back yard

Vacuumed

Swept and mopped kitchen and bathroom

Bought toilet paper

Gave dog a bath

Had a good moment with Josh in backyard. Talked about Bowie.

Joined Junior League of Long Beach

What I’d like to get done:

Start a goodreads author page

Book a reading

Blog on Aunt DADA

Sort my closet and drawers

Register on Blue Anthem

Contact realtor

Message the Ravenmaster again

Make a household budget

It felt good to workout again. I’m sore as hell right now. I’ve backslid so much. I’m having to fight my mind again. My strength is nothing like it used to be. Everything is a struggle. We start the class with a run every time. Everyone else does a long run, I do the short run. It takes me about the same time. This is only my second workout this year. I’m absolute shit at it.

I keep having to remind myself: 

Don’t look down; 

form is everything.

I know from my previous foray into working out that if I’m struggling-I’m doing it wrong. 

Stop, 

focus, 

re-set. 

I used to be a med/hard girl. Now, I’m light/med. I trying to compromise, but still challenge myself. If I hate going, and how I feel-I won’t go. 

I know this about myself. I have to make myself say,

“Ok.”

When the trainer tells us what we are doing. My first response is,

“I can’t do that!”

This time I tried the original move before grading down if I needed. My knees are skinned, and the heels of my hands are raw. I’m so proud. Workout rash is something to be proud of. I’m feeling that sense of belonging with my workout crew. I might do the Saturday workout. They are doing The Hill tomorrow at 9am. I don’t think I’m up to it yet.

I’m tired. I haven’t been booked, but I haven’t wanted to be booked up. I do a massage and I’m tired after. I’m good while I’m working, but afterward I’m beat. It’s been a sporadic two months. I don’t know if I’m worn out from the cold, the travel, the deaths, or a combination of all of them. I might be getting anemic again. I’ll need to get Scott and I doctor appointments for our bloodwork.

I haven’t drank any wine since I got back. I feel like I was drinking every day for like three months. So many damn events, lunches or whatever. I just got too used to it. I’m over it. I’m ready to feel better. I kept saying I was going to do it. Well, after that last trip to Texas, I’m ready.

I want to have a financial budget by February 1^st. We want to get a house and I want to be ready. We are very unstructured. I’m sure that if we scheduled our shit out, we’d have enough for savings and retirement. I want to improve my financial abilities. I am the captain of this boat. Scott has issues about handling the money. It gives him huge anxiety. He's told me he's happy with the job I've done. I question myself and my purchases. I know I can do better.

As we grow older together, I find it hilarious how many things I got twisted over in our relationship actually stem from his anxieties. He’s not being a truculent asshole, he’s scared. 

He didn’t go to my friends’ wedding in Houston. I left early to visit family. He had to work. He couldn’t face flying to meet me in Houston. I was totally exasperated until he confessed that he didn’t think he could handle going through security without me. He has never flown without me. 

I’ve traveled alone. I flown alone. I gone on long road trips alone or with one friend. I’m pretty fearless when it comes to dealing with the slings and arrows of travel. He’s not, and I have to be okay with that.

We are considering doing a big ass road trip to Texas for our family reunion in Texhoma. It’s 21 hour drive. We want to take the dog and do the roadside attraction trip. The reunion will be at the Tanglewood resort. It is pet friendly. I’d love to have Schultz along to meet people. He’s such a love. We do an auction to raise money for the next reunion. I'm thinking of doing a California basket. Go shopping at the farmer's market. Buy stuff you can only get here. Long Beach Clothing Co. t-shirt, honey, wine, cheeses, some postcards maybe. 

Ah well, I should switch over to my book and write some on that.

Thank you for reading me. 

I feel your love.