Joyful Determination

I've done so many things in my life with grim determination. I've faced fears I didn't even know I was laboring under, I've whipped myself up mountains, and climbed out of deep holes. All with a fierce soul. I know I seem dippy and light hearted most times, but this runs completely against my original nature. I was bitter about my life, depressed by the world at large, angry at the limitations of my sex and size(a 300lb woman), oppressed by past mistakes and negative voices in my head, and ignorant of any way to be free of it.

When I was 28 I left an abusive marriage. It changed who I was. I refused to suffer a small life lead by fear. I left the only state I'd ever known, and plunged into the cauldron of humanity that is Los Angeles. The past 13 years here have been a revelation of belief for me. When I arrived here, I was washed clean of a past. I was exactly what I decided I would be. 

• I found a job,
• my live-in became a spouse, we've been married 10 years, together 13 years
• I went back to college to finish the degree I had given up on eight years previously
• I underwent gastric bypass and lost 180lbs
• I wrote my first book
• I've written and published short stories
• I ran/walked 12 miles and did 11 out of 21 obstacles at Tough Mudder in Snow Valley, CA at high altitude two years ago
• I've had my own massage business for 7 years
• I've done a quarterly newsletter for 4 years 
• I've made tons of friends who lead active well-traveled lives, and happily share their amazing stories with me.
• I've been to Europe 5 times. I got to see Jim Morrison's grave in Pere Le Chaise, Paris, ride the underground in London, take water buses in Amsterdam, wander through a Christmas village in Cologne, and a 1000 other private moments while traveling with my husband.

All this done, and still I traveled under a dark cloud. The fear that all that was good in my life would slip away. I would screw up somehow and all of this would pop like soap bubble and I would tumble back into the morass of blah my life was before. I'm not going to blame Texas or my family for the dark times of my past. I am no victim. I know that even in ignorance I participated in my own destruction. I know every raw deal I was handed was an opportunity to learn why I was available to be abused. 

Now, I believe in taking hold of life, by the throat or the balls, whatever I can reach, and squeezing hard. Every time I find something I'm terrified of, I take a deep breath and leap forward. My problem is I don't acknowledge my victory when I have one. I've already been staring at a new challenge, while the old one wraps itself up. I don't feel a sense of relief or pride. I feel angry at myself for not doing it better or faster, and think "alright, what's next?"

It sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks. All those beautiful elevated moments swept to the side, because I needed to be militant with myself. I have resolved to do things with joyful determination. The grimness has got to go. I don't need to be fierce. I can release my death grip on life. Worrying doesn't help anything and robs the present of any color or flavor. I plan to float, fly and surf my way through the world. I don't need to know what's next. I quite happy with now.