Discarded Thoughts, Anxiety, and cupcakes
I haven't posted a blog in months. I have 3 or 4 crap blogs I left as drafts on my site. I didn't even finish my euro trip blogs and the details are foggy now. I've been so distracted by life. In good ways but still... I've started working out again, thank goddess. I've put on 15lbs in the last year. I was struggling to stay under 200 lbs two years ago. That is 30 lbs in the last two years. What the hell?
I've been cycling through my different addictions, especially drinking for the past two years. Midlife crisis maybe? What I can't figure out is why just red wine? I leave a beer half drunk easily. But red wine I usually drain 3-6 glasses. I can do eight if I'm drinking from noon on. I don't drink it all in one go, but I'm drinking steady all day. Not good. I'm working on not drinking anything at all. Hell, I'd like to give up Diet Dr Pepper too. But I figure start small with the wine. The volume and frequency has worried me. I haven't done anything stupid or fucked up any friendships. Which is a relief. Honestly, I like to drink while I clean house and listen to bossa nova. I like to drink 3 glasses of red after a long ass day of massaging. I sit on my back porch, reading on my iphone, and wandering back and forth from the kitchen, cooking dinner. It's nice.
They say if you drink alone, you're an alcoholic. Does that mean you're just a drunk if you prefer to drink alone? LOL I don't like to go to bars and drink. I hate getting tipsy at parties because I need to drive home without a DUI problem.
I have so many celebrations coming up. I'm trying to rock the sparkling water right now. I told myself I'd do my best not to drink until my birthday. And then I'm only drinking if I feel like it then. It was getting too easy to buy a bottle of red in the afternoon, and chill the rest of the day. I want wine to be special again. I want to taste what I'm drinking, not look forward to the fog descending on my brain. I need to deal with my anxiousness, not drown it in Cabernet.
It helped giving up worrying for Lent. I did it as a joke, but decided to take it seriously. It has been a spiritual revelation. I'm anxious about EVERYTHING! I have a running monologue of "Oh Shit." constantly. What am I forgetting? What if there isn't enough? What if I fail? What if I screw up what I already have? Blah, blah, blah.
I'm now in what I call the "Fuck It Freefall"
I've gone limp. I'm doing my best to fight my inner need to struggle, to know, to anticipate. Right now, I'm just being. If something doesn't get paid on time, I'm not worried. I do the job that is in front of me. I clean up what needs to be cleaned up and don't regret the things I didn't get to. I cannot prevent disasters, fires, or alien invasions. So I going to quit fearing at least two of those. LOL I've quit striving to be the best, and now I'm just here to enjoy the ride.
I've been angsty because I've gained weight, and am no longer the workout animal I was for two years. I spent a few minutes this morning posing like a cat on my bed. It started as a total accident. I lay back on my new bedspread with my arms in a V over my head. I glanced up to see myself in my vanity mirror, brought my knees up and pointed one leg just so. Classic cheesecake bathing suit pose, I rolled over and threw a smoky look over my shoulder, then grinned like a fool. Maybe this is the size for me. I'd been so disappointed that 180 was as low as I got, and I didn't stay there. I have pictures of me at that weight, and I swear I look the same size. Maybe muscular, chubby nymph is my best look. If I got to 130lbs, my skin would look like bad pink drapes everywhere. I shudder at the thought of the surgeries for my skin. Maybe I should shut the fuck up and have another cupcake.
I've been cycling through my different addictions, especially drinking for the past two years. Midlife crisis maybe? What I can't figure out is why just red wine? I leave a beer half drunk easily. But red wine I usually drain 3-6 glasses. I can do eight if I'm drinking from noon on. I don't drink it all in one go, but I'm drinking steady all day. Not good. I'm working on not drinking anything at all. Hell, I'd like to give up Diet Dr Pepper too. But I figure start small with the wine. The volume and frequency has worried me. I haven't done anything stupid or fucked up any friendships. Which is a relief. Honestly, I like to drink while I clean house and listen to bossa nova. I like to drink 3 glasses of red after a long ass day of massaging. I sit on my back porch, reading on my iphone, and wandering back and forth from the kitchen, cooking dinner. It's nice.
They say if you drink alone, you're an alcoholic. Does that mean you're just a drunk if you prefer to drink alone? LOL I don't like to go to bars and drink. I hate getting tipsy at parties because I need to drive home without a DUI problem.
I have so many celebrations coming up. I'm trying to rock the sparkling water right now. I told myself I'd do my best not to drink until my birthday. And then I'm only drinking if I feel like it then. It was getting too easy to buy a bottle of red in the afternoon, and chill the rest of the day. I want wine to be special again. I want to taste what I'm drinking, not look forward to the fog descending on my brain. I need to deal with my anxiousness, not drown it in Cabernet.
It helped giving up worrying for Lent. I did it as a joke, but decided to take it seriously. It has been a spiritual revelation. I'm anxious about EVERYTHING! I have a running monologue of "Oh Shit." constantly. What am I forgetting? What if there isn't enough? What if I fail? What if I screw up what I already have? Blah, blah, blah.
I'm now in what I call the "Fuck It Freefall"
I've gone limp. I'm doing my best to fight my inner need to struggle, to know, to anticipate. Right now, I'm just being. If something doesn't get paid on time, I'm not worried. I do the job that is in front of me. I clean up what needs to be cleaned up and don't regret the things I didn't get to. I cannot prevent disasters, fires, or alien invasions. So I going to quit fearing at least two of those. LOL I've quit striving to be the best, and now I'm just here to enjoy the ride.
I've been angsty because I've gained weight, and am no longer the workout animal I was for two years. I spent a few minutes this morning posing like a cat on my bed. It started as a total accident. I lay back on my new bedspread with my arms in a V over my head. I glanced up to see myself in my vanity mirror, brought my knees up and pointed one leg just so. Classic cheesecake bathing suit pose, I rolled over and threw a smoky look over my shoulder, then grinned like a fool. Maybe this is the size for me. I'd been so disappointed that 180 was as low as I got, and I didn't stay there. I have pictures of me at that weight, and I swear I look the same size. Maybe muscular, chubby nymph is my best look. If I got to 130lbs, my skin would look like bad pink drapes everywhere. I shudder at the thought of the surgeries for my skin. Maybe I should shut the fuck up and have another cupcake.
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