Take 'er Easy

Scott left for work this morning at 7am. I had rolled out of bed with him and made his lunch. I wanted to go back to bed when I woke up this morning, but I couldn't. last night I woke up about 3-4x. My neck was sore, and I needed to shift around. I kept waking up curled into a ball. I would turn over, squint at the clock, groan at the ungodly hour, and plop back staring at the ceiling wondering why I was up. I drank yesterday. I was ready to sleep at 7pm. We stayed up until 11:30p, before crashing. I should have slept like I was in a coma. I wanted to.

Sunday was a corker. I woke up at 7am pulled on workout gear, made a banana cashew chocolate protein smoothie then cursed myself. Workout was 5 min away. If I downed this, I'd puke 5 minutes later. I grabbed an Ace cold pak out of the freezer. Drank what I could of the smoothie as I drove then wrapped the glass in the ice pak and a t-shirt I found in my floorboard. (Isn't that sanitary as all fuck?)

I won't go through the whole workout, but I will tell you I dragged my deflated ass up the staircase at Coronado and Ocean, and wanted to lay face down. I didn't, but oh did I want to! What I was surprised by was how much easier I was breathing. I quit smoking cigarettes after our last SUnday workout. I finished my EasyWay to quit smoking book Monday morning. I tossed my smokes in the trash with at least 15 cigs still in the pack.

When I was running/walking with my hands on my low back wheezing up the hill that Sunday it felt like I was breathing through gauze. I kept glancing to the side at all the blooming flowers thinking "Is that allergies that is making it so hard to breathe?"

I heard pithy Eda's voice in my head. (She always sounds like she is filing her nails and absolutely dying of ennui and disgust) "Really. Allergies. Are you fucking kidding me? You've smoked for over 2 decades and allergies are making it hard to breathe when you run. Wow. Just wow, Eda. That is some powerful denial. You should teach that shit."

I couldn't deny it. I ran better this week. I usually feel tight all along the right side of my body. I clench my neck and abdomen and struggle to breathe. This week, I didn't run the whole time(like I've ever managed to do that) but when I did run, I focused on form and pumping my arms. I lifted and spread my ribs in the front. Most of all, I bounced. I had worn good workout clothes with a sports bra over my regular bra. I realized part of my struggle with running is I tried not to bounce.

Fat girl, big boob thing. Before in PE class, the more I bounced the more it hurt, the worse it looked, and the more shame I felt. I still get that feeling when I'm running behind the whole class and doing 50 squats by myself on a bike path or bear crawling through a park, I have to struggle with that inner teenager praying "Please don't look at me, please don't see my shirt falling over my face, my ass in the air, my thighs jiggling like jello jodhpurs. I feel so stupid it's hard to breathe."

I have to self talk through that all the time. I was on the beach bike path joggin behind Liz, seeing the rest of my class running the hill or moving on to the first set of bluff stairs, seeing this knowing I was falling behind quickly. I had to force down the despair. I tried to zen on the next task. screw the whole thing, run to the stop sign, breathe start the hill. I hear Ceaser on the stairs screaming at me not to stop, keep it up, I look great. I hated him for that. No stopping to catch my breath. Blow past the stop sign start up Junipero hill. 1-3x I choose 2. No need to kill myself. I want to stop. Everything wants me stop. I want to cry and collapse all at the same time. No dice, keep running. I hear the line from Elizabeth Browning's Poem

A fly buzzed when I died.

A voice whispering it over and over. A hip-hop beat overtook the voice, and I could see an old school Ice-T in a puffy jacket on a grey stage in a spotlight working a crowd.

uh-uh how you livin'? I said how youlivin'? Whut bitches?

uh-uh how you livin' Eda Obey? You lvin, you paying attention.

I replied in my head I'm breathing, I'm living, I'm running.

He screamed back let me hear you breathe!!!!

inhale exhaleinhale exhale

It was all I could think while I ran. I tried to come up with rhymes but the one phrase that kept echoing while I kept going was "How you livin? Loud Proud OUt loud? How you livin'?"

I tried to keep thinking it. I threw out my chest, lifted my knees and ran with less pain than I've ever run before. Yeah I was tired but my form was completely different. I used to struggle to run, my right side pulling me down. I could breathe now, I could stand upright. The core work the strength training the squats the jumps the constant bullshit was teaching my body to do what I told it to. To not struggle to not stop. Now what do I do about my brain?